it's been a while

i haven't blogged in the longest time, but today's events warrant a blog.... today i dealt with the most shady, ignorant, close-minded, and foul individual living in the united states, and she is no republican. she knows who she is, the only thing that comforts me is how badly she embarrassed herself just by being herself. btw, learn to spell the strong words you use, and while you are looking words up in a dictionary to find the correct spelling, look them up in an encyclopedia too, so you learn a thing or two, ignorant loser.

Sarah Palin...

is the dumbest lipstick-wearing bitch on the face of the planet. go read a book dumb fuck.

Jon Stewart...

makes me wanna touch myself. hahaha.

lawyers, ewe...

my friend who happens to be a lawyer must have a lot of influence over me... or he's just a convincing writer... because i don't like lawyers anymore... i gotta find another profession that's "hot" ... here's what he wrote me earlier:

Corporate law is of course a million times worse, because you are essentially a top-ranking servant to the elite... it's the reality - upwards of 90% of legal services are used by the richest 10%. So as one of these guys, you get to really sacrifice your life - that's why corp lawyers are petty, nasty, shallow, and never at home - to make the wealthy wealthier, while getting scraps from their tables. Oooh, you get paid $500k a year after slaving away for 5-10 years? That's chump change for the people you slave for...

Worst is when lawyers put on airs because of their position in society. I guess house negros put on airs before the field negros, and butlers put on airs before the maids... Also when they think they are intelligent because they know their one area of law well - bravo you fuck. What lawyer throughout all of history is known and loved today for a lasting contribution to humanity? Veblen's right, lawyers are only highly regarded because they feed off of society's owners, and display a little bit of barbarian warrior traits that humans still haven't learned not to respect.

....

anyway, as of right now, i'm only attracted to guys who have nice pads, work miracles in the kitchen, know wines, and create earthquakes in bed... i may need to move to italy... well, for the earthquakes i'll just stay in l.a. and learn how to swim.

lawyers, mmm...

i actually don't think david beckham is attractive at all.. that's why i took that old post down.. at the time, i just felt like creating scandal... beckham is actually skinny and he plays soccer for los angeles. what an idiot, he gave up on europe, the soccer capitol of the world, for hollywood. i'd like to puke on him and that spice girl with the nose job he's married to.

i recently told a good friend who also happens to be a lawyer, that i am mostly attracted to men who are lawyers, of any profession... holding personality, looks, charm, cooking abilities, bedroom abilities, and all other variables constant... and his response/advice was legendary, which is why it belongs on adayinthelifeofalegend...

"Don't think that lawyers are hot, unless they are rock star lawyers from legal aid, CCR, or ACLU... But corporate lawyers make the best husbands - they're boring and nasty petty people, but they make decent money and are never at home ;)

wait, hold it, hang on, okay: AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

i finally saw George Michael in concert

tonight at the L.A. forum ... and let me just say that i would $@#& %!*# for another set of tickets to his next show.

ewe, i'm totally kidding... but the concert was fucking fantastic! i now melt over british accents ... and deep, sexy voices.

George Michael's voice is heaven.

C.O.L.M.

another one i have to hand to la leyenda... Legends don't have birthdays, we have COLMs - Celebration Of Life Month... and for me, that's June...

the most fucked up thing about men

men absolutely do not want to be treated like meat (if a woman treats a man like meat, he will be completely turned off and worse, his dick will go on strike)... but to men, it is perfectly ok to treat women like meat... ok to the point that it doesn't even strike them that they are doing it.

and that double standard my friends, is the most fucked up thing about guys.

they just like the chase

la leyenda explained it best ... "it's like the stray cat that comes by your door because you put out some milk. but then as soon as you go out to try to pet it, it runs away." ... he'd rather be out chasing a mouse.
lesson: stay away from stray cats... at least if you value your time, your energy, and ultimately yourself.
instead, go to the local animal shelter, and adopt a puppy.....
puppies want to be loved.

as an expression of positivity

i have to say, i love old friends, new friends, and the prospect of acquaintances and strangers becoming close friends.

... life without good friends is the least legendary of all.

something i've never heard before

i was told yesterday that "the sun shines out of my ass."
hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
i have never heard this phrase before, and neither have my friends.
furthermore, this person was "blindsighted" by it ... (an incorrect use of a word - can you turn me off any more?)
i believe he meant blind-sided... wow, what did he expect, given the circumstances?
and i just found out that he is a supporter of mccain!!!!!!! this is the most preposterous of all, especially since he told me he voted for obama...
a friend was kind enough to explain it to me: he was only trying to get into your pants.
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA. ewe.

the tables have turned

and it doesn't feel good, like i thought it would. i had wished for it, prayed for it, cried for it, and waited, and waited ... funny how that happens ... the tables always turn too late ... it's just too late darling, your chances have passed.

life without la leyenda

is not legendary at all.

things that make me chuckle in mischievous delight

..... ok.. wait.. this would be revealing too much about the inner workings of my legendary mind... so... nevermind..

facebook is dangerous

i've taken my blog link off of my facebook page... i've been meeting some new people lately (and you know that the first thing people say nowadays when they want to maintain contact with you is, "you should add me on facebook") and i don't want them to know that i'm so legendary just yet... i'll let it hit them out of the blue, suddenly, one day, when they least expect it. you never want to reveal too much right away... legends are mysterious.

incomprehensible sense of self

sometimes we women cannot stop looking at a guy because we are amazed at what a douchebag he is, but he somehow interprets it in his mind that we are checking him out, which visibly affects his mannerisms, by which he begins to exaggerate whatever he was doing in the first place to make us jaw-droppingly stare in disgust. lesson: if you are a douchebag, a woman is staring at you thinking precisely that.

Mighty Fine Fellows and the new Stepford Bitch

Us women folk are constantly being admonished to NOT SETTLE. If you were to browse through a self help or psychology section at just about any bookstore, you'll find dozens of paperbacks devoted solely to this topic, with titles framing the same idea in countless ways. We're always getting encouragement to affirm our own self worth and all that jazz. 

Why is it that there is such a dearth of material of the same nature targeting men? Because, ladies, men rarely "settle" (I'll argue against this later but at least they don't seem to have the same anguish over it). Why you ask? Because in just about every guy lives a mighty fine fellow. From the blatantly obnoxious douche-bag frat boy to the more polished metro professional--somehow, someway, they've all been convinced of their mighty fineness. No matter their true quality as men (or even as human beings for that matter), they seem to feel entitled to a trophy wife or girlfriend.  

In comes the Stepford Bitch, eager to fill this role. No, she doesn't wear aprons of eyelet lace and spend her days cooking and cleaning (that's a little passe nowadays). Instead, she religiously follows the advice in Cosmo and strives to embody the MTV-endorsed brand of femininity or, if she's beyond the cutthroat coed hook up scene, she molds herself into something more palatable for her target. Either way, she preoccupies herself with becoming more desirable to men. This may even motivate her to get a good education and establish some financial independence but nonetheless, her concerns are the same. 

Now before you dismiss this as the bitter rants of a reject, I want to clarify that not only am I not opposed to all the little rituals of feminine flirtation/seduction, but I actually embrace many of them wholeheartedly. No need to divulge on all that here, but suffice it to say, that is NOT where I'm coming from at all.  

The phenomenon that my girlfriends and I keep seeing over and over has to do with guys who expect their girlfriends/wives to be tens when they themselves are nothing of the sort. This is nothing new and we would expect it from a Mr. Money Bags or whatever but nowadays the most average Joe feels cheated out of his birthright or something if he can't catch the prized piece. And many are stepping up the demands--they not only want the perfect living doll and/or sex kitten, but they want her to have an advanced degree too. The problem is not in their having certain standards (even when they are superficial), it's that the women aren't allowed to have the same level of expectations of them. If she does, she's a naggy demanding bitch. Yes, even in our generation, they still want a servile ho (just a new and improved version). 

Behind the facade of the mighty fine fellow

I'm no male basher--just so over the mighty fine fellows of the world. There are basically two prototypes with several variations.

Signs you have a mighty fine fellow on your hands... 

Prototype I:

- He listens to and/or quotes Tom Leykis (nuff said, no?)

- He wants you to do things to please him, such as wear lingerie and perform oral sex on a regular basis, but he doesn't reciprocate by trying to please you.

- Even when he does try to please you sexually, you sense that it's more for the gratification of his own ego than anything else.

- He subscribes to Maxim

- His idea of a good restaurant is Hooters

- He makes snide remarks about feminists 

...Please feel free to add to these lists!!

Prototype II

- He's metro

- He notices when you're overdue on your mani/pedi

- He brags to his family about how smart/educated you are but then shows little interest in your actual thoughts and ideas.

- He's ok with you being high maintenance for the most part so long as you don't expect him to be emotionally available to you.

- He gives off an air of superiority 

- He's metro (worth repeating)

Universals

- He's a mama's boy

- He's emotionally retarded

- He's intimacy-challenged

- He is disgusted by the thought that women have normal bodily functions

- None of his friends have solid healthy relationships with women they truly respect

- The gender dynamics in his family are out of whack (especially if he has a very servile mother)

- He is more critical of others than of himself

- He's got a certain sort of cynicism about him

Switching gears

So the real reason why men want Stepford Bitches is because they are deathly afraid of someone who is going to tap into the parts of themselves they prefer to keep under wraps. The idea of self-disclosure is terrifying for them. The male ego is as fragile as the most delicate porcelain and many guys will go to the ends of the Earth to protect it. Deep, deep down inside, however, they do want to be called to a higher self but mighty fine fellows are sadly way too out of touch with this need. They repress it and therefore seek out partners who also aren't striving for a more profound level of human connection. They subconsciously avoid those who can see right through them and instead go for women who are more than happy to be the narcissistic reflections of their egos. Rarely will the might fine fellow reach that level of maturity where they are willing to be vulnerable with another person. Pity them but don't marry them. 

chris rock live

i saw chris rock in action tonight, and besides laughing my ass off for two hours, i have to say, i learned a few things:

1. dick is a bad investment because it is free and because there is nothing that dries up a pussy faster than a woman reaching for her wallet. never pay for shit.

2. while women cannot regress in terms of lifestyle, men cannot regress in terms of sex. never do anything in bed that you are not willing to do every day from then on.

3. a woman cannot be president because she will declare war once a month when she is on her period. (ok, i must say that hillary clinton would likely use the anger and frustration of pms to wage war on republicans and bush policies, not other nations... so in this case, a woman should be president..... ALSO this is not a political blog, so let me take this rare opportunity to just say that john mccain is the stupidest mother fucker to ever walk the face of the earth... after george w. of course) ... ok, thanks... back to being legendary.

... on the way back from malibu

it was my girl's bachelorette brunch in malibu ... on my way back, i'm driving down PCH in a medium flow of traffic, when suddenly this white dude drives up on my left trying to holler at me, this and that, bla bla ... he was cute enough, early to mid thirties, in a drop top mercedes, so i gave him a smile and sped off... he follows me for another mile, driving up on all sorts of sides, about to cause all sorts of accidents, breaking all sorts of sweat... i decided to put him out of his misery and reached into my bag, pulled out a card, crumbled it up and threw it in his backseat.... he had fished it out and called me within a minute.... ok... first of all, RELAX. secondly, hang on to your pants and call me in three to four days as is customary. just because i threw my card into your backseat while driving does not mean that regular rules do not apply... daddy ;-)

are people in brentwood stupid?

if a firetruck is hurling down the road, flashing its red lights (flash! flash!) and honking its very loud horn (honk! honk!), you move to the side of the road and STOP. i know you must think that where you are going is very important, but it's not more important than the lives of the people the firetruck is going to save ... so get off the phone, pull your ass to the right, and halt your vehicle until the firetruck has passed. it's common knowledge here in the U.S. .... i usually avoid brentwood altogether, but i had to drive through it to get to malibu.

all hail george michael part II

Monday, April 21, 2008
a few hours ago i received a call from dreamtickets in regards to an unauthorized credit card purchase for george michael tickets... apparently there are two middlemen in the on-line ticketing market, and both decided to send me email receipts yesterday. i, having entered my credit card information in more than a few sites in search of the best deal, had a moment of sheer panic upon receipt of receipt #2, during which i responded to the email with "i did not authorize this purchase." so when dreamtickets called me today, they had already stopped the transaction as being fraudulent, and as they were about to put it through again, i asked, "could you just make that 2 tickets instead of 4?" ...you were struck by a bolt of luck, family, though i personally would not characterize not seeing george michael live as luck...

all hail george michael

Sunday, April 20, 2008
this morning i woke up at 11:55 am and had an entire pot of an unusually strong espresso, which i usually drink half of. i then went on-line and googled george michael, only to find out that he is touring north america for the first time in 17 years and playing in l.a. on my birthday. i proceeded to spend 4 hours looking for a good deal on tickets, only to end with a $______ charge on my credit card, for 4 tickets. i then emailed the receipt to the family members i plan to spend my birthday with, so that they could mail me a check for their portion. SHOCKED? Yes, they were. But it's my birthday, family... and also my graduation present... and next year's christmas present (since "it's george michael" did not appease anyone).

what qualifies as legendary

Thursday, April 3, 2008
for instance, tonight i spiderman crawled up a gate in a fit of passion that was not reciprocated ... ashamed? only for the non-reciprocator.